Herzbebben

Herzbebben

(Heart-quackes)

The first definition for the word ‘cancer’ in the dictionary is ‘growth’.

August 11,16

Just two month ago my life stood on firm ground, the future stretched before me bright and clear far into the distance.  I could envision fun trips to visit family and to explore exciting places in the world.  Perhaps some home improvement projects could be tackled. We had started talking about a mission and we had just gotten comfortable with the more leisurely pace of retirement and the increased freedom it offered.  Life was good and I loved it.

That‘s when cancer rocked my little predictable and secure world.  The initial shock wave totally caught me by surprise.  Suddenly everything seemed out of focus, it was so disorienting and we just tried to concentrate on what was right in front of us.  The following aftershocks of tests and procedures, the waiting and the uncertainty were causing me to feel more and more vulnerable and insecure.  I could see the fear and frustration in Tim’s and Roger’s eyes and I could hear it in my children’s voices, it scared me.  My initial innate bravado and optimism started to wear thin.  

The easy street that had so reassuringly stretched out before me earlier has become unrecognizable.   It is not smooth anymore, there are now craters and places where the pavement is piled up so high I cannot see over it anymore to look into the future. I am trying to live by faith.

Elder Maxwell, whom I so admire, said it is better to not shrink than to survive.  I still am not sure that I totally understand that, I am trying not to shrink in the face of fear and uncertainty.

I feel somewhat good that the question ‘why me?” has not bothered me. I do not feel any resentment but there is a great feeling of loss for many anticipated pleasures that may not be realized now.

But not everything has been bad.  I feel so loved!!!!

Roger, my wonderful children, extended family and so many friends have expressed their sincere love for me in such a measure that I feel deeply humbled and undeservedly blessed and grateful.

I have been supported through prayer and fasting by people far and wide. What a blessing.