I had an SOB (Shortness
of Breath – when I first started working at the office I had to learn all these
acronyms and this one always tickled my funny bone) kind of a week. I have been wheezing and trying to
catch my breath all week. Maybe
some of my symptoms are related to the anxiety I experienced getting the CT scan. While my brain tells me that no matter
what the scan shows at this stage of the treatment it is no indicator of the
eventual outcome. But my heart is
scared. This cancer has snuck up
on me so furtively that I just cannot trust my own instincts now.
One of the more difficult aspects of this disease for me is
the fact that it makes me feel so schizophrenic. Somebody tells me almost every day that I look great. This I am sure is due to the fact that
I lost some unwanted pounds because I have almost no appetite. But invisible to the natural eye, inside
my chest I know I have this vile monster that steals half of every breath I
take.
In the course of the day I forget myself for long periods of
time while I am caught up in daily chores or a good story or a conversation,
that is when I feel like my normal self again and then suddenly and forcefully the
truth hits me again.
Emotionally this has been a hard week for me and my confidence has been
wearing thin.
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